Mel Schilling: I may be Married at First Sight’s relationship expert but my own dating life used to be a disaster

When I sat across the table from the blind date my mother had arranged – don’t ask! – we began talking about his job as a personal trainer.

Because this was my comfort zone as a psychologist, I quickly turned the date into a professional advising session.

I was questioning him about his company plan, growth strategy, and risk mitigation plans. The unfortunate guy had no idea what had happened to him – was he on a date or on a job interview?

Before we knew it, I’d taken him across the street to a bookstore to pick out a few clever business books to help him get started.

You won’t be surprised to discover that he wasn’t pounding on my door for a command performance after the date.

Later that night, when I pondered about the whole thing, I realised I wasn’t displaying any vulnerability. I believed I had to play to my strengths, but I wasn’t doing it correctly.

Being a regular on both Married at First Sight (MAFS) Australia and Married at First Sight (MAFS) UK, you’d think I’d have a gleaming dating past, right? In fact, it took me years to realise that I wasn’t doing the appropriate things to find love.

People who know me well know that I spent my whole 30s single. Certainly, I had some good relationships in my twenties, but my priorities appeared to alter as I hit thirty.

I travelled, created my psychological business, worked abroad, and had a terrific time enjoying my own life.

Being a single woman, I had up certain self-protective barriers.

You’re familiar with them; the boundaries you assume keep you protected from the outer world. Playing hard to get, being harsh when others pay attention to you, cutting them off before they damage you, or playing the inaccessible, unattainable, unreachable mystery.

I was dating on the side, but only half-heartedly. I dated the Man Child, the Commitmentphobe, and the Class Clown – dating stereotypes we’ve all seen.

Maybe the most surprising was the man who sat across from me at a posh pub and began to interview my womb for potential childbearing chances!

I convinced myself that I wasn’t looking for a relationship, and everything about my demeanour reflected this. It wasn’t until I was in my late 30s that I noticed all of my friends getting married, and the nagging loneliness began to set in.

At the age of 39, after much self-reflection and talks with close friends, I realised that the exterior character I was portraying to the dating world did not fit who I was on the inside.

I felt like a phoney. As I looked in the mirror, I saw that I was sensitive, caring, attentive, and vulnerable. I was looking for a man who could be my equal in many respects.

Initially, I modified my online dating profile to show the true me, and then everything changed. I made certain that it represented my ideals, real-life aspirations, and relationship views.

That’s when I started attracting a different type of man – no more Peter Pans or married men looking for a side hustle.

I also practised my dating conversation. I made a conscious effort to listen to my dates more, to stay open and nonjudgmental, to ask more questions, and to reveal a bit more of myself.

I recall one date where I purposefully told myself to ‘turn off the judgement,’ and I ended up learning all there was to know about the process of producing a book from this specific suitor.

This didn’t turn out to be a fantastic romance, but by keeping an open mind, I was able to enjoy our time together and utilise this information when I chose to write my own novel years later.

It took some getting used to because I had spent years speaking with males in the opposite way, but it finally seemed natural. And I enjoyed it.

Within a few months, I met a Northern Irishman called Gareth, and it was clear that we were a good match. Everything just clicked, and I didn’t even try to coach him.

He was my equal and someone with whom I could be vulnerable.

After six weeks of digital contact owing to our locations, he informed me on our first date that he could see right through my tough exterior into the lady beneath, and I was captivated.

We’ve been travelling for 12 years and have lived in Australia, Bali, and the United Kingdom. Madison, our gorgeous eight-year-old child, is the result of an IVF journey.

After 20 years as a psychologist, my own (disastrous!) dating experience prompted me to specialise as a dating and confidence coach, which is when I began teaching couples on Married at First Sight Australia, and then in the UK as well.

As I advise our couples on the sofa, I now have the chance to draw on my professional competence and, more significantly, my own lived experience.

This has really aided my ability to connect with our contributors on a more personal and meaningful basis.

Thus, with the benefit of hindsight and experience, I wanted to share my knowledge and assist singles date smarter so they wouldn’t make the same mistakes I did.

I’ve distilled my lessons down into five simple steps that you can take to ensure you are dating strategically and maximising your chances of finding your ideal partner.

Currently, if you pay close attention to my counsel on MAFS, you’ll hear the previous single lady with the bad dating patterns.

I try my best to encourage our couples to talk respectfully and to foster the ties they form. This is especially noticeable when I’m counselling couples on how to cope with disagreement and accept accountability.

Nevertheless, every now and then, my inner single woman erupts, especially when I witness one couple abusing another in a destructive manner.

If my years of dating, practising psychology, and being married have taught me anything, it’s that with a little respect, emotional maturity, and compassion, any interpersonal problem can be resolved.

Source My Celebrity Life.