Well, it’s that time of year again – the time to string up flags across your living room, stock up with goodies from the local European supermarket and put Precious on repeat on Spotify. Yup, it’s Eurovision time, people – sweepstakes at the ready.
This Saturday, the Eurovision Song Contest grand final takes place in Turin following Italy’s win in 2021, with 25 countries battling to take over Maneskin’s crown.
Alongside Ukrainian rappers, yellow wolves from Norway and women singing on stages seemingly made from loo roll, our very own Sam Ryder is hoping to get way more than nil point for the United Kingdom with his song Space Man, and for the first time in a long time, it looks like the left hand side of the leaderboard is a shoe in for the UK.
No matter what the leaderboard looks like, you can have a brilliant time from the comfort of your own living room – but, as the show is four hours long, you might need a little bit of help getting through it.
That’s why us kind souls at metro.co.uk are bringing you our annual Eurovision Song Contest drinking game, to help you amp up the activities during your party or get through some of the, er, quieter moments of the show. So whether you’re on the bubbles, beer or soft drinks, buckle up and get ready to play along.
NB. You don’t want to miss out on AJ Odudu greeting Europe from the beautiful background of Salford, so make sure to pace yourself and drink plenty of water throughout the night – and seeing as the contest is being held in Italy, may we suggest accompanying your drinks with plenty of pizza? It’s only right.
During the performances
Bad joke: one finger
The most inevitable of all the rules. This can be a bad joke from the presenters (most likely, there are three of them and one is apparently the James Corden of Italy), any act in the garden-cum-green room, or any joke from a skit. We don’t discriminate against failed comedy here.
Mika sings: one finger
We’re hoping for this one, tbh. Nothing can’t be improved with a blast of Relax (Take It Easy).
‘It was better in rehearsals’: one finger
Graham Norton will have seen all of the performance in the jury rehearsals, so will inevitably remark that a country was a bit crapper than they were before. Also, take a sip if you utter ‘it was better in the semi-final’.
We get to song nine: two fingers
Sir Terry Wogan always waited until song nine to have a drink, so it’s time to raise your glass.
Innuendos: one finger
Sadly, in semi-final one, we lost Latvia, a song that begins with a cunnilingus reference and contains lyrics about gecko tongues and jiggling peaches, and honestly the contest is poorer for it. But we’re sure Graham or a presenter will have some double entendres to slip in there.
Some serious hair: one finger
Beauty brand Moroccanoil are sponsors of the Song Contest, so it’s only natural that there’s some spectacular dos on stage. Give particular props to Sam Ryder’s waist-length hair, Monica Liu’s quirky bowl cut, and the lead singer of The Rasmus’s feathered hair, going strong since 2003.
Graham compares an artist to a celebrity: two fingers
We’re talking comparing Greece’s Amanda Tenfjord to Lorde, Switzerland’s Marius Bear to George Ezra, Monica Liu’s hair to Austin Powers. That sort of thing.
A celebrity is mentioned in the lyrics: one finger
Meghan Markle gets a shout out in the opening verse of Serbia’s song In corpore sano, so get ready to toast the Duchess of Sussex.
A non-English song is sung: two fingers
Lithuania, Netherlands, Ukraine, Italy, France, Cyprus, Serbia [delete if she doesn’t get through], Portugal, Romania, Moldova and Iceland are all singing in their native tongues, so drink up. Fun fact – this is the first contest not to feature a single song in French, as even France’s entry, Alvan and Ahez, have chosen to sing in Breton.
A former winner appears or is mentioned: one finger
Well, 2021 champs Maneskin are performing their new song Supermodel tonight, so you’re guaranteed at least one drink.
Someone screams out thank you to the audience the second their final lyric ends: one finger
They’re just SO GRATEFUL, you guys.
The Rasmus appear: two fingers
In The Shadows, what a tune, eh?
Ukraine get a standing ovation: cheers and down it
Ukraine’s Kalush Orchestra are expected to sweep the televote and are favourites to win the contest due to the current situation in their home, and it will be an emotional one when they perform their song Stefania.
Sam Ryder’s Crystal Maze staging starts moving: two fingers
We’re already proud.
During the voting
Technical difficulties: one finger
We’ve put a man on the moon, yet we can’t connect Latvia to northern Italy without a hitch.
AJ Odudu appears: Two fingers
AJ is the UK’s spokesperson this year, and rightly so. A moment of silence for her busted ankle on Strictly.
Graham Norton correctly predicts neighbours swapping douze points: two fingers
Ah, the voting bloc, you never fail to add fuel to the ‘it’s all about politics!’ fire. It’s not real, people, some cultures are just alike!
A spokesperson decides to sing or play an instrument: one finger
Yes, you may be a minor popstar, but we haven’t got all night.
The UK gets 12 points: down your drink
Usually this is highly unlikely, so downing a drink can be avoided. But seeing as Sam is doing so well in the odds, you could be absolutely trashed by the time Lithuania reads out their jury votes. Here’s hoping!
Somebody’s gracious face slips: one finger
This, in tribute to 2019 Swedish entry John Lundvik, is bound to happen as the televote points are totted up. Somebody who excels in the jury vote can absolutely tank with the public and immediately rocket down the leaderboard. Cruel? Yes. Funny? Also yes.
Somebody gets nul point (either in the jury or televote): two fingers
Again, this used to be an anomaly, but with the new voting system, nul point is easier to come by – as evidenced by the series of zero points in the jury vote last year, and poor James Newman’s bottom of the leaderboard result. We can’t see it happening to Sam this year, but there’s bound to be one or two acts that fail to impress.
The UK wins: crack open the champers
We don’t mean to raise anybody’s hopes, but Sam Ryder and Space Man have the potential to be the UK’s best result at Eurovision since Jade Ewen’s fifth place finish in 2009 – and perhaps even better. Anything on the left hand side of the leaderboard will be a massive achievement, but if Sam does edge out the competition, prepare to get out Tesco’s finest bubbles and start writing to your MPs for Sam’s open-top bus tour through the streets of London.
The Eurovision Song Contest grand final airs from 8pm on BBC One.